5 Powerful Tips For A Healthy Marriage (Premium Episode)
March 01, 2020

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Resources Mentioned:

·        Hebrews 4:15

5 Big Ideas:

1.     We want to make sure that we are retaining and celebrating our separate identities. Even though two are becoming one.

2.     We want to show empathy for our spouse. Empathy for a partner.

3.     We want to share our feelings. Remember, your spouse is not a mind reader. 

4.     Give each other some freedom to express and grow individually.

5.     We want to have fun together.

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Show Notes (transcription):

So today we're talking about five powerful ways that you can make your marriage a healthy marriage. And these are some tips that me and around we're just talking about and we really want to share them with you and invite you into the conversation. And we also kind of want to share a little bit about how we do this. And so this is going to be an episode where you learn a lot about me and Dorianna. And you know, we have a whole lot of tips that we normally share, so please go listen to all those other episodes. But this is an episode where you're gonna learn some more about us.

So number one, how can, what are five ways that we can make our marriage a little healthier? Number one is that we retain our separate identities. And this is gonna sound weird. Hear me out, hear me out, hear me out. We have two becoming one, right? So that's the idea. But in two becoming one, we automatically have to assume that two is two separate identity to separate people who are becoming one. We still have our separate giftings and talents, but we're molding them together and using them together as one. We still have our separate dreams and ideas and aspirations and passions that God has laid on our heart. But now we're taking two separate ideas, dreams and passion and we're molded them together as one. And so I think a lot of times when people see to becoming one, they immediately think, Oh, you know, I'm going to start watching, you know, females, I think I'm gonna start watching a bunch of football because my husband likes football on to flush to becoming one or why or husbands may think like, Oh, I'm going to start loving romcoms because my wife loves romcoms and two flusher becoming one.

So here we go. Let me just abandon my identity about the things I normally eat and places I normally go and the things I normally like and well, just to become one. I think we went through that phase. I went through a phase where I told her I wanted, like I wanted her to cut her hair because I, you know, and she was like, Oh gosh, I'll cut my hair. And it was weird. It was super wierd.....

That was when we were dating though. But still by the time we were married I would've been like, that was interesting. Now, and we, and we, another episode in which we talked about the two becoming one, it's not a half of a person and a half of a person equals one or it's not like a diluted person plus another diluted person becoming like one concentrated person. It's one whole person plus another whole person coming together and making a whole person. So, and with all of our wholeness, it's totally, we do have different personalities. We have different strengths. Like LaShaude was talking about, talents and all of those are really, really complementary to each other. And we want to make sure that we don't lose any of our identity when we get together because these are things that God has put in us as our strengths and our abilities. Things to help other people things to help each other. And if I just leave that at the door then who's to say LaShaude's ever going to benefit from something that makes me uniquely me or our kids will ever benefit from something that makes me uniquely me or him uniquely him. Uso we don't want to sacrifice that just because like, okay, I guess we're getting married now, so we gotta be all bland. It's like, no, we're going to get to a feisty and flavorful things that throw them together and make it.


I like that. So listen, if you want to hear more about this, go to episode 21 of our podcast. We talked about six things. Submission is not, you really want to check that out. Trust me, it's gonna. It's gonna help clarify. We know what submission is inside of your marriage and what it is not. And then if you want to listen to a really, really funny, funny episode on submission go to episode 27 how submission should look inside of a marriage. We recorded that with a, another podcast called married, cultured and known. Episode 27 and episode 21,

Yes. I know a lot of times women, we hear the word submission or submit and it leaves a really bad taste in our mouth. It's like a really negative connotation. And I totally felt that. And I, I mean I still sometimes kind of do if a, you know, depending on who's saying it, but when we talk about in those episodes is what like a Galen shot saying what submission isn't. It doesn't have to be an, it's not a negative word. It's not a bad word. So listen, yeah, let's go back and listen to those episodes for a little bit of that. But as we're two separate identities, a lot of times I feel women feat and think that they have to maybe can dial themselves back and just listen to everything that the husband says. Or you know, husbands, you might feel like, Oh, I have to turn everything up and just tell my wife everything what to do. Cause I'm the leader and this is what that means to me.

Side note leader does not mean leader. What all leadership means is that you are the, you know, you're, you're responsible. You're taking the responsibility. That does not mean you get the big piece of chicken for dinner or you have a big chair and thrown that you sit on. Exactly. Leadership means you're taking, you know that first. And so if you really want to be the head of the house or a leader, you need to take first responsibility on dishes. First, responsibility on, you know, taking care of money, first responsibility on cultivating worship and love and, and a Christ-centered home within your family. First responsibility on, you know, who's going to put forth the energy to reconcile after a hard argument. You know, everyone wants to be a leader when they get the big piece of chicken. No one wants to be a leader when it's, yeah, all the benefits and none of the responsibility when it's time to apologize.

Cause you said something stupid, you don't want to lead out on that. You'll lead out on that dinner and that, you know, but you won't lead out on, you know, you'll do, you can lead out on demanding for food or demanding for service and demanding people to serve you. But Jesus said he came exactly to serve, not to be served. And he wasn't coming here and demanding respect. He allowed the father to show other people who he was. He didn't walk around doing magic tricks for people saying, look at me on the Messiah, worship me, bow down and worship me. No, he served, he served in obscurity for a long time until, you know, he, you know, was able to get some of that recognition. Uso as leadership, as leader, excuse me, we need to be ready to serve in obscurity and serve without trying to demand the respect and be responsible for all of those areas of life.

So number one is retain those separate identities. I would think retain and celebrate those separate identities. I'm really glad that the shot is not 100% like me because I don't think I'd like him. If he was, it'd be really weird. I getting your twin, but Oh, okay. Well, my way to make it even more weird, but I LaShaude had all the same strengths as I did. I think we'd probably spend into oblivion. Like, I don't know, I'm just, I'm just really, I'm, I celebrate that he's different and I celebrate that he has wanted to stay different and I celebrate that he celebrates my difference and now he's like, Hey, we need all of that creativity. We need all of this energy to come in here and make our house like a home warm and welcome to all different kinds of people, future children's friends, et cetera, et cetera. So that's number one. Number two is show empathy for your partner. Now empathy is the ability to step into the other person's shoes and to see how they would feel if you were in that situation. So empathy means you listen for the sake of understanding your partner, becoming interested in how your spouse is feeling and then validating your spouse based off of those feelings that you understand because you expressed empathy. Yes.

And so I think that's really hard for me because my wife has a lot of feelings and a lot of times I want to be like, Oh, that's not valid. That's not valid. That's a logical fallacy. I read in a book that says you're wrong about a guy who would say you're, and it never works guys. It will never work. You can read as many scholars as you want to. Your wife is not married to that scholar, and so they're not going to... They will reject your hypothesis. You're better off empathizing and listening, listening to understand where they're coming from. So what I've learned is that even if I think my wife is overstating something, or I may think she's quote unquote being emotional, I know that she's trying to communicate something to me. And so instead of being lazy and asking her to say it in a way that I like it, I'm going to try to turn my ears and put myself in her shoes and say, okay, what is my wife saying to me that I'm not getting, you know, even if I think she's overreacting, she's still saying something that's valid and feeling something that's valid and I want to honor that.

And so that's where the empathy has to come in for me.

And so for me with empathy for the shot, I have to understand that he's emotionally inarticulate.

I can be emotionally inarticulate at times. I'll just grunt and snore it and be like, I don't know.

So I have to understand that he is like, some of these emotions are foreign to him. One because I don't know, maybe he didn't go through them as a kid or two. He's not inside my heart and brain. So something that is very, very serious to me. He might not understand the full extent of how long I've been feeling this, what I've been feeling, what it feels like, all these other things. So me and being empathetic is saying, okay, LaShaude doesn't really know that this has been bothering me for so long, so let me one speak up when it happens so that it doesn't stack up as much as it sometimes does. I know we have another episode where we talk about, we kind of tell on ourselves on the ways we kind of avoid arguments or that we kind of react during arguments.

My thing has always been stonewalling. Like after a while, a point in the argument, I stopped talking. I stopped sharing with the shot how I'm feeling. And so that's something that we're still working through. So me being empathetic to his situation is there's no way that he's going to want, he's going to know how to communicate with me if I never stick it out in the hard conversations to be like, this is what we need to talk about. This is how I feel. Even though my feelings are hurt, I'm still going to engage with you. And we're gonna fight through this. So, yeah, being empathetic and understanding where your partner's coming from, whether you're being emotional and they're not, or maybe you're being like really too rigid and you know, trying to understand why they might have some of that emotional, inarticulate kind of behavior.

Yes. And so there's a verse and I think it's in Hebrews 4, right? And it says that we do not have a high priest that is unable to be touched by our infirmities, which I think best to keep James 15. That is Hebrews 4:15 you went over that today and mine and yours and your huddle. Oh, that's so cool. Hebrews 4:15. For "we do not have a high priest is unable to sympathize our weakness,

But we have a high priest in every respect who was tempted as we are, but yet was without sin." So what that means is Jesus, as our high priest feels us. He gets us. That's fine. I started it. You can finish that. No, but this is, this is literally my point. I have like a whole revelation on this on this scripture revelation on my sister. So yes. Lashaude was pretty much going to say it. But when it says that Jesus is able to sympathize with our weaknesses cause he's been there, that's the ultimate expression of empathy. He's like, yeah, I feel you. Jesus is like our number one empathetic friend. Uhe's not just saying like, Oh, that seems like it would be hard or like, Ooh, never been there, but like, tell me how it is. Like, Ooh, I hope that works out okay with you.

He, he shows us that, yeah, I've been there. I felt this. I know how heavy this burden is. I know how hard this is. And he's saying, I'm still willing to be with you. Through anything. There's nothing to dirty. You can't bring to God. There's nothing to shameful, nothing to sad, nothing to happy, like God's bigger than every single, every single thing. So just Jesus being that perfect, empathetic friend is a way that we can be that perfect, empathetic friend to our spouse. Even if we haven't been there. It's like, okay, I've experienced something similar. So I know that you're upset right now, or I know that you're sad right now. I know you maybe don't want to like talk and give it good advice right now. Maybe you just want to be heard. Maybe you just want to be held. Maybe you just want me here.

So it's understanding how should I tailor my response based off of where my spouse is at emotionally in this moment. Yes. And so number one, just to recap, we talked about retaining and celebrating our separate identities. Number two, we talked about showing empathy for your partner and we just celebrated the fact that Jesus has empathy for us. He feels us, he knows where we're coming from. And so number three, we're going to talk about sharing your feelings. So ties in nicely. Yeah. So this is a hard one. So maybe sometimes it's hard to empathize with your spouse and this is where your spouse may need to share their feelings. And so for a man who may be emotionally inarticulate, who is only hungry, happy, sad mad and glad... It's our only four emotions had hungry, happy, sad, mad, glad. What I say you said like cat or something like that. I'm so emotionally inarticulate. I can't even name the 4 emotions. You're like maybe mixing up hangry, but I was like, maybe had so emotionally articulate. I can't even tell you the four emotions that I can't even express. No.Sometimes that's all men can articulate. So here's what we have to do, fellas and ladies,

You know, instead of accusing your spouse of doing something wrong or a set of not verbalizing what's going on, you can say, Hey babe, when you do this, it makes me feel like this. Or say, I feel like this. When you do this, the reason that that phrasing is so powerful is because it's not it's first leading with your feelings, which are valid. If you're feeling it, it's valid. It doesn't mean it's based in truth. It doesn't mean it's, you know, base. It's not, it doesn't mean that you're accusing them of doing something wrong. It's just that I feel like blank when you do blank. So for example, my wife did an amazing job of cleaning the house and I am super excited. I want to touch her, I want to kiss her, I want to color, I want to do whatever she wants to do right now.

And so I can look at her and be like, I feel loved when you do acts of service for me. I feel loved when you've taken care of a house after I've come back home from a long day's work, I feel loved that way. And so I'm sharing my emotions based off of what I'm seeing. The reason that's important is because if I just came home and I was happy, but I didn't praise something that was praiseworthy, that's rude and it's not giving her good feedback. I need to praise what's praiseworthy. I need to share my feelings and say, I feel like blank when you do blank. Even when it's something negative and be like, baby, I feel like you don't care about our marriage when you don't, you know, help out around the house. So I feel like you don't care about our future when you don't help me save money. That is, again, it's not accusatory. It's just sharing your feelings.

Yeah. And we in a marriage, we all have expectations and we have, we have another episode on this too, but we all have expectations. And whenever those expectations are not met, then there is frustration. So frustration is nothing but unmet expectations. So whether you whether you expect your husband to take out the trash or maybe you expect to take out the trash or do dishes or clean the house or vacuum or go to work or make money or save money or do the shopping, whatever those expectations are, they need to be expressed, which means you need to share your feelings with your spouse openly and often. And honestly in everything that you do, just because if we keep, you know ... Already closed, mouths don't get fed. Now that kind of has to do with money. But I think it's the same kind of kind of thing with your marriage.

Like, if you don't express how you feel or what you wish you would feel, you can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. Oh, that's one that I really want to talk about. Cause that is a lot. Your spouse cannot read your mind if you feel something. (I Can hear your heart... Crying Out For Me...) No, he can't. He can't. He's not Mario and Mario still can't do that. But it's the if you feel something, you need to say something. If you're mad, don't think he should know why I'm mad. Why don't you tell him or tell her like, Oh, he knows this is just a test to see if he's going to don't do that...... Your husband or your wife is not able to peek into your heart and see why you're upset. You owe them at least an explanation... We do that with kids. .... But if you just hit 'em out of nowhere, then, it's like, Oh, okay. I don't even know.

Yeah, we got to talk about our feelings. Oh, my spouse is not a mind reader. We have to share our feelings. And sharing your feelings does not make you weak. There's many verses in the Bible where God shared that he was grieved, that something was happening. Jesus was okay sharing his emotions and crying. He was okay. Sharing his emotions and, and telling people that you know, that he loved them or that, Hey, you're my friend. He was okay to put himself out there and share his feelings. He was defining the relationship. He was letting people know when they had crossed the line. And even though he might've been having an emotional response, God is still okay sharing his feelings with us so that we're not, you know, just left not knowing how they, how he feels towards something. So if God's able to share his feelings of Jesus, able to be emotional men, we can be emotional ladies, everyone. We can share our feelings. So number one was retained separate identities. Number two was show empathy for your partner. Number three was sharing your feelings. And number four is give each other freedom.

Yes. Give each other freedom. When you value your other person for who they are and you encourage them to grow in their individual identity that's kind of some, sometimes apart from you, you really validate their feelings and you share your own your own feelings as well. Lashaude knows that I love musical theater. I love certain like time, like my, my ministry that I volunteer at. So he allows me to go out and do those things, to express my passions, to perform, do the things that really are like on my dream list because he loves me and respects who I am as an individual person. And those individual things are brought into the relationship. He gives me the freedom to continue in those things in the same way I know he all these different things that he loves. All the different hobbies that he has. Maybe videos. Yeah, business sometimes like a video game,

Even with somethings with church, you know, give me the freedom to take certain risks because I'm naturally, I'm more of a pioneer. You know, I like to actually go out there and take new land and try new things. And so even if that's at the, the sacrifice of the detriment of the lifestyle that we've become accustomed to for the past three years. Like, you know, I worked as an accountant and I was an auditor and I was like, Hey, thank you for all the money, but I'd rather start a business and I started a business, it became successful. And it's thriving now. And I'll even look at my wife and say, Hey, I want to buy another one to do a separate one. And she's allowed me to be like, okay, I know we got used to things as they are now, but I'm okay with you taking that next step forward.

So she gives me the freedom to to take new grounding and grow individually, even if it's not a decision that she would do, even if it's not a hobby that she would want to do. She's okay with saying, Hey, you sacrifice, you know, time for the family for for this venture. Yeah. Cause we're super supportive of each other's dreams. Like I really want him to, I really want him to enjoy his life. I'm not trying to be like, no, I am your purpose now. Yeah. And I don't want him to absorb into my art just me or just absorb into our family. I know there's lots of love that God has given LaShaude to be able to spread, spread that out and a lot of intellect, a lot of business sense, a lot of everything that he has that I want other people to experience that cause I think that's super cool. So definitely give each other freedom and you know, nothing wild or crazy in your marriage or whatever. Not any kind of sinful freedom. Not that freedom is going to have to be bound up in physical chains. Going to jail or spiritual chains. Just, you know, addicted to something I supposed to be doing. None of that. None of that. Expressive freedom Be slaves to God not slaves to your flesh.

I feel like some people might be listening and like, yo, these people are off the rail. They off the chain. He's saying crazy stuff. Listen, we got you. We know. Not just saying freedom and do crazy stuff now. Don't take it and run. You know,"Shall we sin so grace may abound..... NO". Number one, we want to make sure that we are retaining and celebrating our separate identities. Even though two are becoming one. Again, it's to becoming a one, not half of a person in another half of the person becoming one, but to individual people becoming one. Number two, we want to show empathy for our spouse. Empathy for a partner. Number three, we want to share our feelings. Remember, your spouse is not a mind reader. Number four, give each other some freedom to express and grow individually.

And number five, we want to have fun together. And so this is one I know it sounds so basic. Some of y'all are rolling. I was like, Oh, have fun together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, one was like, I mean, are you really cultivating fun in your marriage and in your relationship? If you think about a relationship, you know, it's everything about it is set up to be fun. Like when I physically look at my wife, I'm having fun. When I physically touch my wife, I'm having fun, you know, when I'm talking to my spouse or my wife, you know, we're having fun together and we'll always making jokes. And so, you know, I don't, you should, you should not be in a marriage where that friendship isn't there, which we talked about in our last episode that we published on our live podcasts. You know, we talked about having that friendship.

We talked about having that passion. That's what makes relationships fun, be able to joke together, be able to laugh together, have sex often, you know, joke about having sex often. This should be, to me honestly, you know, when you are married to your best friend, life is so, so, so much sweeter. Yeah. yeah, yeah. Just cultivate that passion, which can come from having fun. You know, going on dates.... Like, Oh I have such a great time with this person. I love this person so much. Cultivating that intimacy. This is my best friend. Like I can't my life without

You. Like I'm so glad you're here and that all can come from having a great time. So figure out what you guys like to do together. Hobbies, if you like bowling bowl, if you like, I don't know. Playing spades. Play spades.

I'm a beast. I'm not going to lie. I can, I can see everyone's cards. ... Lashaude I actually don't play spades together anymore. I cut that out in college. Like I kind of vowed never to be his partner. .... I told her to go low, she went high, she like cut me or something. It was wild. It was wild. Now I feel like I got stabbed in the back. She, she, you know, I rather my wife served me divorce papers and cut me in spades cause that's essentially the same thing. You're ignorant. That's how you're telling me you don't want to be in a relationship with me when you cut me in space. If you want a divorce, that's what you're telling me. I want you to suffer public shame when I cut you and we get set.

... If you are a couple that is able to play spades together and have fun, go ahead. Do your thing. Whatever you guys like to do, do that often. Laugh often. Enjoy each other often, you know, in whatever way that you do that.

Maybe spades, maybe not, maybe space, maybe not. Listen, we love you guys. We really hope this has been helpful. Do us a favor at text us. We want to hear from you. This is, but this is meant to be a dialogue and not a monologue. So if you're a part of the phenomenal family inner circle you know that we can have that dialogue together. You have our emails, you have our text messaging numbers to text us. And so we'd love to hear more from you about something we could explain a little better or maybe something that you really resonated with. So please come through our phone. We'll let, we'll wait for you listen to for, you know,

Now we promise that you, we promise you over the next few minutes we would give you a few tips to fortify the future of your marriage. I totally botched that last sentence, but okay.

Promise you there were a few minutes we would give you a few tips to fortify the future of your marriage. And I think we just, that I think we did just that. I had fun. I had fun to listen. Join the phenomenal family in a circle. We'll chat with promise and I promise I'll never call you a phenomily ...Oh, he's so slipped up. I don't know if he published that part, but he did it. He did it. He tried to play like he didn't, but I'm sure he did. We love you guys and we'll talk to you later. Bye.

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